wisdom teeth out in the morning.
my mom just witnessed me having a panic attack for the first time ever.
Valium isn’t working.
and people keep telling me “buck up, you’ll be fine” and while I maybe understand their intentions - as someone who had had an anxiety disorder basically all my life, telling me to “buck up” and that “it will be fine. everyone does this” is actually kind of degrading. and in no way helps calm my anxieties. instead it builds on the “well if everyone does this and is fine - why am I broken and so freaked out” issues i already battle all the fucking time.
i’m scared out of my fucking mind. and i know that makes me fucking stupid. but i wouldn’t wish anxiety disorders on my worst nightmare and if i could change this, you bet i fucking would.
just make tomorrow end. please. i am begging.
— Leviathan Grew Up Inside A Broken Home, Levi The Poet (via wintersdaisy)
Choking on salt water, I’m not giving in; well I’m not giving in.
— Jack’s Mannequin “Swim” (via werdtothewerd)
today i had this really big thought while driving to lunch. and it was one of those thoughts i couldn’t shake. still haven’t gotten rid of it. i don’t really want to go in to detail of what it is because i don’t want to put myself TOO out there..but. it’s big. and if i go for it, there’s a big chance nothing will happen. there’s also the fact that i don’t even know where to start. but. there’s that ever so slight chance that if i go for it, it WILL happen. and that i’ll be more stoked on life than i ever have been before. but the question is, is it too big to even go for?
i know i have a LOT to work on to be a photographer. i have a shit ton of things i need to learn if i ever want to go out on tour with a band. i need to learn video. i need to get a better understanding of photoshop. hell i need to have a better understanding of how my camera works. and i know that photography is (fortunately) something that gives me the opportunity to continue learning for my entire life - but i feel like there are certain things you need to know to have a go at it. and i feel like i’m so far off and sometimes (er…a lot of the time) i don’t even know how to go about learning the things i feel like i need to know. so where the heck do all these AMAZING photographers get it? how do they do it? is it just life experiences? because if that’s the case, i’m not gonna find those here. i want/need out.
so along with sometimes feeling like i’m not good enough, i’m kind of struggling with fearing that this will never work. and i want it to work SO VERY BADLY. i’ve spent i don’t know how many hours in front of my computer screen working on photos lately. and i don’t know if i’m doing it right. but i don’t think i’m doing it wrong. and that’s so frustrating. but i don’t know what else to do but keep putting my stuff out there. keep sitting in front of this screen.
so. is it too much to put myself out there and hope to land something that may (or is it not?) too far out of my league? i just don’t know.
my brain is going a million miles a minute and it’s hard to keep up. all i know is that nothing has made me happier in my last 23 years than the 4 days i spent shooting warped tour this summer. for the first time in my life i felt like i was EXACTLY where i was meant to be and that i fit in perfectly. do you know how good of a feeling that is? …and i want it again. but this is bigger. and i’m deathly afraid of falling.
i can be in the lowest of low places and The Rocket Summer will bring my right back up.
but tonight? tonight i was in a damn good place to begin with. and then i went to his show and i’m currently on cloud 9. that was, without a doubt, the best live show of ANY BAND i have ever seen. Bryce has so much energy. and you could tell he was super into the show. also, want to talk about someone who’s dedicated to his fans? i left the venue at 1:00am after hanging out with him. he stayed around and signed for a huge group of fans and had real conversations with those of us he recognized from multiple shows.
i’m a fan of a lot of bands. i have my list of my top 5. and sometimes i get caught up in the “hardcore” genre or what have you. but without a doubt The Rocket Summer is up there at the #1 spot. this music has been part of my life for EIGHT years. damn.
goin to bed with a smile on my face tonight :) music is my best friend.
i started a new project today: Sights of Sound Photography.
since i’ll be hitting up way more shows in the upcoming weeks i decided to go at it full speed ahead with a new page. hopefully one day (soon) i can buy a domain and all that fancy stuff so that it isn’t just http://sightsofsoundphotography.tumblr.com but for now, that’s what it is. check it out for tour listings, photos of bands, and maybe soon some interviews.
follow it on twitter too! @SightSoundPhoto
i’ve just spent the last two hours planning out all the details for my road trip in three weeks.
lists of camera gear i need to borrow, directions to each city, budgets for food and gas and hotel, booking hotels…it’s absolutely crazy. my entire life i’ve wanted to just leave and go on a road trip…and now i’m doing it, and i’m doing it with purpose. i’m so excited to go to FOUR days of warped this summer. while i wish it was the entire tour, i know that was a big goal to set for being so new to the game…so i’m happy with four days. and then an additional two days of other concerts. but next summer, you watch it, i’m GOING to be on tour with someone.
but for now. i can’t wait to leave. June 27…come faster!
ever have one of those moments where all of a sudden you just decide to completely change any sort of life plan you made for yourself?
i hate to say it - but it kind of happens to me frequently. lately it’s been all in one direction for the most part. but i just had one of those moments. and now i can’t sleep because i’m up thinking about all the repercussions of previous actions and plans for what to do next and how changing the plan kind of fucks up…everything.
most of my childhood and all through high school and even through my first year of undergrad i “knew” what i wanted to be. and people should have just told me to shut up. that no one knows what they want to be when they’re young and foolish. i wanted to be an animal trainer at SeaWorld…or any marine mammal park, really. i just wanted to swim and play with some animal bigger than me all the days of my life. and that’s what would make me happy. and to this day, i still think that’s what would make me happy.
but i also know that photography makes me happy.
and i know that i’ve developed a love for working out (even if i bitch about it) and that gym environments make me happy.
and that kids make me happy.
and that helping others makes me happy.
and that music makes me happy.
and through all the years i’ve dabbled with the ideas of all these different careers that i could see making me happy. and something about “just pick one” doesn’t settle with me. at all.
so at UA i was studying psychology to be an animal trainer.
then i transfered to UIW after having broken my foot and spent time in a million doctors offices and PT clinics. and i decided i wanted to go for Athletic Training. and that was my degree plan.
then life threw me a curve ball and i moved home. and decided i didn’t want to move back. so i went to GSU and just fell back on psychology. with the intent of going to grad school for Athletic Training.
but i’ve spent the last 10 months spending three hours a week in a PT clinic. and i think i want to be a PTA. i know i don’t have the grades to get into PT school. i know it. but i know that a PTA would be a total possibility. but now i’m up and trying to plan out my life. and i know life doesn’t work that way. and maybe that’s the really beautiful thing about life. but right now it’s BEYOND frustrating.
and when it all boils down to it. right now? right now all i want to do is be a 23 year old who can say i’m living my dream. and my dream AT THIS MOMENT is to be living in a bus taking photos of bands.
NONE of this works fluidly.
“make good grades” they said. “go to college” they said. “do it in four years” they said.
FUCK. YOU. i say. i should have NEVER gone to college right out of high school. because now i’ve fucked up four years of an education, have nothing to prove for it, and just want to start from scratch.
my best friend is headed to the airport to move to London for a year. that sentence should speak for itself.
i can’t afford my apartment anymore, so i’m moving into another apartment now, rather than in 3 months. (it’s the same complex though. and the same apartment layout…(seriously, what gives?! this new one is $100 less! it’s the EXACT same! sometimes i wish i had a roommate…more space, half the cost.)
finished physical therapy yesterday. i know this is a good thing, but it had become part of my routine and was kind of fun. and provided me with someone to talk to.
i have art class tomorrow. i know it’s for the greater good and helping me with photography. but for chrissake it scares the HELL out of me.
my brain may explode.
i feel like i just took a rather large blow all in one day. but it’ll all be for the best, right?
i have tattoos. i’m a girl. get the fuck over it.
my half sleeve does NOT define me. it does NOT mean that i’m a bad person. also doesn’t mean i do hardcore drugs. no, i haven’t killed anyone.
jesus. is this real life? i know that when i got tattooed i was putting myself out there and what not…but are people really this stupid? REALLY?
i’m 22. catholic. student. who entirely plans on doing something with my life. oh, and i like boys. and i love my tattoos. and if you can’t accept that and can’t stop making judgements about me - politely get the fuck out of my life.