ever have one of those moments where all of a sudden you just decide to completely change any sort of life plan you made for yourself?
i hate to say it - but it kind of happens to me frequently. lately it’s been all in one direction for the most part. but i just had one of those moments. and now i can’t sleep because i’m up thinking about all the repercussions of previous actions and plans for what to do next and how changing the plan kind of fucks up…everything.
most of my childhood and all through high school and even through my first year of undergrad i “knew” what i wanted to be. and people should have just told me to shut up. that no one knows what they want to be when they’re young and foolish. i wanted to be an animal trainer at SeaWorld…or any marine mammal park, really. i just wanted to swim and play with some animal bigger than me all the days of my life. and that’s what would make me happy. and to this day, i still think that’s what would make me happy.
but i also know that photography makes me happy.
and i know that i’ve developed a love for working out (even if i bitch about it) and that gym environments make me happy.
and that kids make me happy.
and that helping others makes me happy.
and that music makes me happy.
and through all the years i’ve dabbled with the ideas of all these different careers that i could see making me happy. and something about “just pick one” doesn’t settle with me. at all.
so at UA i was studying psychology to be an animal trainer.
then i transfered to UIW after having broken my foot and spent time in a million doctors offices and PT clinics. and i decided i wanted to go for Athletic Training. and that was my degree plan.
then life threw me a curve ball and i moved home. and decided i didn’t want to move back. so i went to GSU and just fell back on psychology. with the intent of going to grad school for Athletic Training.
but i’ve spent the last 10 months spending three hours a week in a PT clinic. and i think i want to be a PTA. i know i don’t have the grades to get into PT school. i know it. but i know that a PTA would be a total possibility. but now i’m up and trying to plan out my life. and i know life doesn’t work that way. and maybe that’s the really beautiful thing about life. but right now it’s BEYOND frustrating.
and when it all boils down to it. right now? right now all i want to do is be a 23 year old who can say i’m living my dream. and my dream AT THIS MOMENT is to be living in a bus taking photos of bands.
NONE of this works fluidly.
“make good grades” they said. “go to college” they said. “do it in four years” they said.
FUCK. YOU. i say. i should have NEVER gone to college right out of high school. because now i’ve fucked up four years of an education, have nothing to prove for it, and just want to start from scratch.